Trick your brain into welcoming growth.
Today's blog is responding to a question that was submitted from a reader.
Bear with, this post is a wee bit rambly in places, but it resolves nicely at the end.
The question went something like this:
Dear Life Coach Online,
I have an idea and I want to get it done, but I am too scared to try because I might fail.
What should I do?
Sincerely, Lovely Reader.
Well dear reader, I know that many of us have been there.
Most of us at some point have had an idea that we wanted to accomplish and loved, but then didn't try because we were afraid to fail?
Too afraid to do something that we would really like to do.
Because it feels important. And special.
Most cases, it is that little voice in the head.
The one that criticizes us at annoying times.
Common thoughts that hold us back are:
I'm not good enough.
I could never do that.
I'm good enough right now, why take the risk.
I'm foolish to think I could do that.
Who do I think I am.
Well dear reader... that brings me to the question, who DO you think you are?
As we develop this awareness, we develop the freedom from failure.
Throughout this life, we go through many experiences - both wanted and unwanted.
Chosen and given.
Getting in touch with these parts of our self identity can bring light and understanding to how our inner critic got its voice.
It might seem like a lot, but I want to invite you to try something with me.
Let's challenge the inner critic a little and see where that takes us today.
Imagine your best self.
The one that thrives when conditions are perfect.
When we identify as that being, and really get down to it, do we feel like we have changed that much at all throughout our life?
Chances are, your inner awareness has stayed the same.
The YOU-ness of you is outside your body and when we connect with our true self, we feel powerful and meaningful.
Over time, what changes is our resilience and our awareness of self.
When we experience connection and love at our being level, we begin to thrive!
As we grow and bump into the boundaries of others, we develop reaction patterns that may or may not serve us.
This brings us to the concept of change.
Personally, I like to define change as the process of becoming.
Freedom to adjust and expand and change.
Change can be a scary word for some people.
It can trigger feelings of inadequacy and failure.
That is not the point here. Here we strive for kindness.
Synonyms for change include:
Which ones of these words sits easier?
Change feels BIG but development feels appropriate depending on the situation.
Want to make a lifestyle change - sometimes people react negatively to that language and ask "Well, what was wrong with me in the first place?"
Even admitting that change is desired somehow devalues the current being and the hard work you did to get there.
How to make change gentle - call it by another name.
There is more inherent permission to say that I am developing rather than I am changing.
It implies choice in the areas of growth.
You story can be what you make it.
Sure, there are given pieces of that story, but how do we use those givens to connect and build bridges between others in our lives.
Or do we use those givens as an excuse to hold ourselves back, to limit what we are capable of choosing?
Over the next few posts, we will talk more about change.
And on ways to embrace the potential rather than run from it.
We aim for choice and permission.
So dear reader, what happens when you apply the kinder word to the inner critic?
Does that free up some of the creative energy and allow you to start your task?
I look forward to continuing the conversation!
You've got this! I'm proud of you for reaching out.
For my lovely other readers, please know that my inbox is always open for ideas and questions.
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Wishing you a beautiful day,
Maybe Mrs. Bennet was on to something.
I started today with a wee bit of a tantrum, maybe you can relate?
How do you handle having an off day?
What would it take to turn it around?
What if I could wave a magic wand and poof! All better? Wouldn't that be amazing?
When I ask myself those questions, the "all better" usually doesn't look too different on the outside from where I am at presently.
But on the inside - big difference.
Much of the struggle comes from external pressures to have handled the moment differently.
The judgement that says you should have acted more rationally, more controlled (re, less emotional, or human).
But people ARE chaotic and messy!
It's a beautiful feature that when we embrace how to move through an emotional state to a rational state, we can successfully communicate our needs!
Is there room for you to give yourself permission to be discovering how to handle a moment? To be learning?
Or permission to choose how you are responding - even if it is simply out of habit?
Permission and choice allows us to move through the tough moments smoother and faster!
Emotions are not only allowed, they are necessary.
You can work through and with the intensity to communicate your needs.
When we allow ourselves to be in learning mode, and make room for possible useless paths, we automatically calm down our nerves.
For example, take Mrs. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice.
Why is it fine for Mrs. Bennet to "take to her rooms", but it isn't okay for you to have an off day. (If you haven't read the Jane Austen classic yet, do. Or at least the BBC 6-hour version - it's worth it.)
Well, it was socially acceptable for a woman of her position to have the luxury of indulging in being vexed.
I wonder how she would function today? I bet her Instagram would be well followed.
It was a feature that she embraced. She owned suffering. She indulged in it.
Is there a way that we can build allowance for realness in our daily lives?
Institute a grown-up version of time out, if you will.
Let's set some guidelines:
Time Out Tips to Tame the Tantrum!
If possible, remove yourself from the stressor. "take to your room"
Work overwhelm, kids, housework?
Even sitting in a different part of the house or your desk at a different angle can make a difference!
If necessary, tell others involved that you need a time out, that you need some time to think and regain your calm (rational thinking brain).
This will help them not escalate the situation on their end.
Give yourself permission for 20 minutes.
Pay attention to your heartbeat - it will start to return to a normal rate.
You will know.
Some people suggest deep breathing, but that usually makes me annoyed, so I will suggest mindful breathing.
There is no wrong way to do this, just notice how you are breathing.
Bringing attention to the breath is often enough to settle.
For a short term fix, the above three are often enough to do wonders.
For developing new habits, if overwhelm is a regular state for you, I suggest adding the next steps. Don't read them if you are feeling compromised at the moment, they sounds annoying when angry.
As you relax, bring to mind aspects of the situation or people that you are grateful for.
Not necessarily about the moment, but in general. Hold that feeling for a few minutes. (gosh, minutes are long sometimes)
Think about how else the situation could be viewed. What was behind the words and emotion?
This helps us get in touch with what we were actually trying to stand for or choose.
It connects us with the purpose and intent of the situation.
The overall goal keeps us on track with discovering a new way to move forward.
The most important part of the time out happens after it is done: continued and renewed forgiveness. Acceptance that we are messy and working towards our goals the best we can.
Allowing yourself to be learning helps bring a sense of purpose and calm into the growth process.
Remember, Mrs. Bennet didn't apologize for her vexation.
She moved on to the next moment with fresh authenticity!
I want you to choose to have a time out and allow the peace to return as you work your way forward.
There's always another chance to try again!
So let's keep the conversation going!
Which of these steps do you find most helpful?
What steps would you add to your time out practice?
Leave a comment below! I look forward to hearing from you.